Another Day, Another Birthday. [090510]

so today my brother turned 7. i hadn't gotten that pissed in a long ass time! but let's not talk about my day yeah? it'll juss make me mad. like you know. when you get so mad you cry? yeah.

lately i've been trying to sort out my emotions & feelings for someone.. it's hard to think that you can't have everything you want & it's hard to think that you can't control your emotions. imagine if you could, someone likes you, you don't like em but you COULD like em & then bam. you guys like each other. happily ever after, the end. how beautiful right? but sadly, reality doesn't work that way.. like i say, "the mind doesn't control the emotions of the heart, for the emotions of the heart are uncontrollable." it's true right? you can't THINK you love someone, you either do or you don't.. that's the way i see it.

you know what else sucks? not being able to see the person you like as often as you'd want to.. it's like, you guys are both busy. fuck, who knows if the other person is even interested? ugh. so many thoughts going on right now.

"Give my love to no one else."

-Wale

Back To School. [082310]

today was the back to school day.. i'm currently a JUNIOR now! i can't believe it myself ya know? it seems like it's been so much shorter. i can remember when i was a freshman & i was totally lost. lol! but all in besides that..

a lot of things have been on my mind lately. i don't know how to sort out my priorities right now.. i don't know if the feelings i feel right now are based off of lust or if i actually like the person for who they are.. i hope it's the second one, i really do. i hate how when guys upset me i try to find comfort in other guys. i shouldn't be doing that in the first place cus if i find comfort in other guys i'll juss be more confused about my feelings cus i'll be vulnerable if i open up right? vulnerability in this state of emotions is not good for anything to be happening. i need to sort out my head, emotions & priorities before i can move on to anything else.

-jenn-tacular;

"What if I kissed you right now? Would it bring us any closer?"

-Drake

Juss Some Thoughts. [081510]

obviously you're on my mind & it juss seems harder & harder to get you out.. i don't want to sound like one of those girls who juss be chasin' you cus i'm sure you got plenty. but what can i say? there's juss something about you that i'm naturally attracted to & i juss can't get enough.. there's juss something about you that i want more of & i know it may sound a bit scary.. but no one has ever controlled the emotions & feelings the heart controls. they have lied to themselves believing that they could but we all know deep down that they're being scared of their own emotions & feelings. they blame upon the emotions & feelings they witness as to their actions. i personally believe that what feelings we witness are a state of mind..

that is all.

-jenn-tacular;

"I got that better love, that no one better love, that hit it and gone tomorrow but this forever love."

-Wale

All That Matters Is Right Now. [072610]

all that matters is right now. the present for which you live for. the past is gone & that's the past. LET IT GO. yes i know some of it will hurt you still but you need to understand that that's the past. prepare yourself for the future & live for today.

& at this very second of moment in time, i'm pretty damn happy.
juss for this second though. ;]

-jenn-tacular;

"You had me at hello.."

-A Day To Remember

Where's My Mind? [071310]

i have absolutely no clue what's going on in my head right now. it's twirling around more than a confused tornado. i don't know what to think anymore when it comes to whatever.

like with guys, i have no clue what to say to them anymore. i don't know if i digg them. i don't know if it's juss sex i want. i don't know if i actually feel for em. cus i've been fucked over, so that first cut cut me deep, cut me like surgery. scars & all came with it. so i don't know what to think when it comes down to guys anymore. i mean why try when all they're gonna do is hurt you. might as well not love at all.

when it comes to friends, i know it's always my fault. i don't try hard enough. then i don't feel bad.. but then i feel bad for not feeling bad in the first place. cus that's juss way too fucked up of me. i mean really? you couldn't feel bad for doing your close friends wrong? i guess the bad influence in me has gotten so bad that i don't know what the hell good is anymore. if there is any. i guess it's cus i'm the friend that doesn't know shit & hurts people.

when it comes down to family, no one said i had to love you. fuck off really. you think i really love you cus we share the same blood? hellnawh. earn my love. earn my respect. nuff said.

i wish there was something i could do. but honestly, what can i do? i'm a fuck up. i fuck up EVERYTHING. it's always my fault. i can't believe my mother gave birth to such a fucked up person.

juss another day in the life of jenny..

-jenn-tacular;

"I don't ask for much, but I fucked up. I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up but everyone fuck up."

-Lil Wayne

Random Thoughts. [070910]

i don't think it's possible to count the times i've asked myself "what could've been if..", "what if..", "why didn't i.." & etc. what could've been if i didn't meet you? what could've been if i didn't fall so hopelessly in love with you? what if i actually gave you a chance? what if i wasn't so stubborn & blind? why didn't i say what i needed to when you asked me? juss why, what if, how & so many things sprinting through my mind.

thinking about how right now, maybe i do want a relationship. but then why have one if you juss want one? i'd rather be devoted & dedicated to the person without a relationship, no strings attached. i'm still an independent female & i don't need to rely on a man. i may want you, but no one said i never needed you. need is an illusion & excuse for me to keep you by my side. although all in all, you have the choice to leave. i can't tie you down & say, "YOU'RE STAYING." that's juss not right to me. i've learned that every single thing is your own individual choice. you can't let anyone force you to do/say something.

i've been trying to occupy myself from thinking. but obviously that isn't working. i don't wanna think lately cus all i think about is YOU YOU YOU. & of course the other minor details in my life. yeah. i think about you a lot.

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby you could've been part of a masterpiece."

-Rihanna

Baby, Baby, I Can't Sleep. [070510]

well first of all, it's like what? 1:19 in the A.M. can't seem to sleep. maybe i got insomnia tonight. gotta send a little shoutout, happy birthday to nancy. :] she turns 17 today!

so july 2nd, i got to experience the vans warped tour.. in the mothafuckin' damn rain. lol. like really!? it HAD to rain?! i lost my shirt, i got a deal on a shirt, they were tryna give me a deal on a pipe & a weed flag at the marijuana tent, i met people, i was in a mosh pitt i didn't wanna be in, i met some badass people at the nevershoutnever performance & i crowd surfed! there's probably more to warped tour but right now, i can't seem to think of anything. plus that was warped tour for me in a nutshell. it was absolutely an amazing experience. i definitely wanna go next year. it was so much fun. you guys should go too! well if you're into bands but of course. haha.

here's the list of the bands that i saw:
a tiny bit of alesena.
attackattack!
breathe carolina.
emmure.
enter shikari.
a bit of four year strong.
hey monday.
hollywood heartthrob.
nevershoutnever.
sum 41.
the all american rejects.
we the kings.

all in all, warped tour was fucking insanely amazing. even with the damn rain.

so for july 4th, i went to go see fireworks in almeda. it wasn't much, juss plain damn torture with 4 little kids. :/ i don't really like little kids. they get on my damn nerves. didn't get to spend time with gina. but heyy, the fireworks were pretty. i guess that's all that counts eh?

but this weekend i can pretty much say.. i've had too much shit on my mind. too much to think about. thinking too hard. my migraines have come back. :/ goddamn it.. there are juss some things that aren't meant to be huh? or things juss don't work in people's favors sometimes. i guess it's life tryna put a huge sign in their faces saying "WASTE OF TIME." so i definitely juss might be.. wasting my time.

-jenn-tacular;

"I keep, I keep thinking of you."

-Lil Wayne