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In Lust. [012910]

do you love someone for who they are.. or what they can give you? i think i love a person for what they can give me.. is that wrong? or maybe i'm juss in total lust all over again cus i'm a little 15 year old girl who doesn't know how to do handle anything maturely and i'm afraid of anything and everything that can bring me down. one major factor is love [well love with another person]. i think i'm so scared of it i've totally shutted it down out of my life. i don't want anything to do with it. i'm so terrified of what it can do to me. but i don't wanna keep running away from it like an idiot. like some simple but thinks she's complicated pathetic girl who doesn't really know what she wants in her life. who's confident but on the inside is hurting like as if someone decided to juss start beating up her heart. i'm tired of running away from it and i juss wanna let it come when it needs to come, do its work, and leave. cus love is never gonna stay. unless they take pieces of you with them. happens to a lot of people. happens to people like me who are all in lust and is blinded by that. happens when you're too scared for it.

-jenn-tacular;

"She's the sweetest taste of sin."

-Ne-Yo

Venting. [012410]

so today i went to kysa's house. now that was crazy. we vented and vented and vented. and we laughed and laughed. tears and laughter. and ketchup lol. we talked about boys.. we found our old notes. the way our minds worked was unbelievable. i wrote so many things. so many words. i was a broken little girl with a complex mind of a broken adult. i dawdled on the littlest things. things bruised me and hurt me. more than they did today. some of the most important people in my life walked outta my life and i'm fine. but why did i write that i couldn't be without them? i guess i lied to myself. i'm fine. i can't believe the fact that i even thought that way was me only a year ago. it seemed like the world's turned upside down on me now. i don't know what to do. i'm back to starting point A and i don't know how to get to B. wherever B is, it sure is hiding well. the guys that were in my heart.. they're still there. right? i don't even know. i was so used and unimportant. i got some doors slammed shut in my face when i tried to run back into people's lives. i even tried breaking down the door. but nothing worked. but now i see that if they don't want me i shouldn't bother. what's the point? if they don't want me. then i'm not gonna bother them anymore. but these notes made me reminisce and i felt guilty. i feel guilty, not regretful. i can't believe i put people through all that shit. through all the lies and the emotions and the breakdowns. it's funny how i wanted someone to care. when they all do. maybe not as much as i'd like. but they do. a little. everyone cares for me. they juss don't know how to love me. at the end of the day, i juss want someone that i can love. instead of running around from guy to guy. to fella to fella. instead of actually being able to have someone to love after the day's done. i don't have anyone. i'm sick of it. i'm lovesick. i don't know what it's like to love anymore. sometimes i feel like there are people who try but they don't put enough effort into it. my mind's been in a tangle. a jungle of thoughts. a maze of memories. i can't seem to find the way out. there has to be a way out of this misery i've put myself into. a way out of this unnecessary low i've resorted to. i'm tired of the headaches and migraines. i'm tired of being used. sick of being abused. i wanna be complete again. i've forgotten what it was like to actually wake up every morning okay and smiling and to go to sleep every night smiling and satisfied. i want that feeling of wholeness. damn.

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby I just don't get it. Do you enjoy being hurt?"

-Mario

Drop It Low Girl! [011910]

that song is so catchy lol. and annoying.

well anyways, man i'ma try to have a good week this week. fuck all the problems. shrug em off! i'ma have a good week fuck it all. fuck all the boys and problems. it's whatever the fuck i want this week. i'm tired of itt. reallyy.

-jenn-tacular;

"The baddest bitch in the club right here."

-Ester Dean

Uhhhh. [011710]

okay so i've decided that since i can't keep up with this blog daily as i'd like. i'll do it every other day when i have time or when i have things on my mind. hopefully that's not bad. lol. i think i can keep up with that.

so kysa's party last night.. well. let's juss say there was like sex on the dance floor and fuckin' through clothes. too much booty for me and too much sex on the dance floor. i didn't like it. oh well. some other time i guess.

so have you ever heard of the seven deadly sins? wrath, envy, gluttony, pride, greed, lust, and sloth. surely you've heard of some? i remember they were on america's next top model on one of the seasons. well i'd pretty much have to say that if i were ever to believe in god, i'd go to hell lol. i get constantly mad or pissed at the littlest things [wrath]. i'm jealous of the things that people have that i don't have [envy]. i eat and eat and eat. sometimes.. okay most of the time i don't share [gluttony]. sometimes i'm a little too confident. sometimes i show off [pride]. i'm lazy [sloth]. i'm one selfish person [greed]. and ahhh. well i'd have to say lust would be my deadliest sin. i'm always lusting. for something. someone. especially people. maybe i juss want sex. maybe i'm a whore. i don't know. but i juss want want want want want want things. lust after them. and that's the reason why i can never love.

-jenn-tacular;

"But I was thinking about you and it kinda made me smile."

-Rihanna

Quite Forgetful, Aren't We? [011210&011310&011410]

well i haven't been keeping up to date with my blog..
not cool of me i know i know i know. but you see, my computer stopped working on the 12th. so that wasn't cool. //: the 12th was the worst day i've had a while. bullshit excuses and cold weather don't really mix with me. the 13th was a blur. and so was today. i guess cus i've been really tired lately. and cus my brother has been irritating me more than lately. and well, what can i say? i don't have much to say. juss hope the guys win the game tonight that's all. and we actually washed their clothes right today. hahaha. can't wait till this saturday though. that's what i'm lookin forward to. kysa's 16. :) oh btw, happy birthday kysa! i'ma have lots of fun at yerr party juss you wait and see. :D

-jenn-tacular;

"But how we move from A to B, it can't be up to me. Cus you don't know who I was before you."

-Drake

It Is Too Cold. [011010 & 011110]

well i forgot to write yesterday.. again.
so i don't really remember what happened.
hahahaha.

but yeah today.. my day was aiight. i had a coffee. it was like.. i dunno. to calm me down. i think i needed it. and well i was reallyyyyyyy smiley throughout the whole day cus i was on the phone with someone for 2 hours last night. (: i guess that really made my day today. but then.. i got reminded of some things from the past. and i know i always say i shouldn't dwell in the past. but i couldn't help it this time. i wanna cry so bad. and i dunno. i hope HE knows what tmrw is.. the 12th. i dunno why i'm even venting about it. why do i care if he remembers? i mean. it's not like i matter all that much anymore. we barely talk. i'm not completely over him. and well he has a new girl. why should i matter? i'm juss another ex in his collection.. you don't tell a girl she's the one and leave her. it hurts. a lot. i still hurt till this day. i wish i would really stop. sometimes i want it to juss go away. but it always comes back like a chronic disease. and well.. does it matter anymore? why should i even be thinking about it? why am i even writing about it. i'm so fuckin'.. stupid.

and what's with all these guys liking me?! can't i juss not have a guy all over my pussy? and some of my flirts too. some of em need to back off and give me my space.. and like. i dunno. why why why whyfsdljaflsktjh iowkfriwhtk3ltio234wufu34o0fji3wti3ojgi3jgio34hiogjiohgwjgio2hgt2jiltjgiqlkjg34l.

-jenn-tacular;

"I'm too attached my heart won't let me fall back. I got it bad, that's what you can call that."

-Bow Wow

Headaches. [010810 & 010910]

so right now i'm juss organizing my room with thumbtacks. putting thumbtacks on the wall and putting accessories up on the tacks. didn't write a blog yesterday cus i was too tired to. and it slipped my mind. i guess i had better things to do. did i? i can't remember.

but besides that, yesterday was an okay friday. it was really cold. that's about it. well right now, that's all i can remember. and today i went to the mall with glenn and gina and my brother. the thing with me taking my brother places, it tires me out. it makes me feel like an old woman who has to constantly take care of this big headed kid. and well we walked around the whooooooooole mall and baybrook never seemed so big. and i spent all my money on my brother. saw a lot of things i liked and well obviously can't have. so many things from forever21, zumiez, and some shoes stores. killed me to leave there knowing i spent all my money on stuff for my brother.. selfish much?

but i'm so tired right now. drake song has got me wondering like blahh. it's called little bit. remix he did. it says i'm a little bit in love with you.. and it juss makes me wonder. cus since i'm such a flirt and pimp. who the fuck will i ever fall in love with? i mean can't i ever juss have a guy.. and have no feelings with em? how many guys do i have a crush on right now at the same time? it's fucking painful and dumb. like why can't i ever juss be the decent girl i used to be with self-respect for myself? why do i have to be so.. i don't know the word to explain it.

and these constant headaches i keep having keep turning into migraines. my head pounds and throbs and i'm stressed and tired of all of it. i'm so.. tired.

-jenn-tacular;

"Hands down, I'm too proud for love. But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of."

-Lykke Li

Burger King Goes To The Thighs. [010710]

they really do. i'm a perfect example of it. hahahaa.

but anyways, my day today.. well i could barely get up in the morning. i really do need to sleep more. well today in first period, i barely payed attention. same thing in second period. in third period i juss listened to abn on spacek's ipod. and in fourth period i slept. fifth period i was juss being stupid with the calculator. and sixth period we had a sub so i juss walked around and talked. seventh period we were inside, thank gawwhhh. it's freezing outside. soccer practice was okay, juss played volleyball with consuelo. walked halfway home cus i got picked up by satara's mama. hahahaha. but i'm really tired.

and i've been having really bad headaches lately. like migraines and headaches. back pains and shoulder pains. like it can get any worse.. my thoughts are all over the place and disorganized and i hate it. i can't think straight. and i can barely text. my thoughts are juss everywhere. i don't know what do with them. i don't know what to do with the people in my thoughts. everyday people go through my mind and they juss don't wanna seem to leave. my head is gonna explode.

and i juss got a mofuckin' damn lecture right now. about me not raising my brother. and being disrespectful. and how i don't take care of the house. and how my mom is more tired than me when she comes home from work. and that i should i learn how to be more respectful and "nice looking" when i go out. and that i don't know how to clean up after myself. man i'm really tired of all the lectures and talks i have to have every night about me being the worst daughter or some. can't she juss accept me for who i am?

-jenn-tacular;

"All you hoes still gets no love."

-ABN

Spicy Noodles & Milk. [010610]

so i juss got done eating my spicy noodles and drinking my milk.. lol.

well today my day..
first period was okay. substitute. thank god. this girl kept annoying me though. second period, we took a lot of notes. and that nigguh needs to slow down when he talks! or maybe he should juss stop talking altogether. and in third period, i got my corner back.<3 so back to charging my phone! she changed the seats back to the way they were. and then lunch. lunch was aiight, same ol' same ol'. in fourth period, knocked out. mr mcmanus needs to realize no one listens to him. and that i sleep all class period hahaha. and in fifth period, we did more going over tests. but i juss stole jossy's folder and i doodled on it lol. in sixth period, we juss listened to ms moore talk. she went to the middle east and apparently fired the lady she went with. lol. ms moore is so beast. she's a gee fo real. she says we all suck up to her hahahahahaha. but then seventh period was cold as always.. like i dunno. 2-3 hours of coldness?! good thing i had glenn's letterman jacket though. :) that thing protects you from anythingg. and then on my way out to go to home with glenn, i got stopped by some varsity players. lol. i gave them some fries and then left. glenn gave me a ride home. thank gawhh. :) thanks glenn.

but as soon as i come home and i go get my brother from my granma's, he decides to piss me off. i told him to put his jacket on and he refused. i told him it's cold outside you'll get sick. he said no. he started saying in a whiny voice that i picked him up too early and that i'm stupid. i told him it's my job to pick him up as soon as i get home. is that so wrong? and he said yeah it is wrong. and that juss pissed me off. so i started yelling at him. and man he can talk back and he can be rude.. i needa stop teaching him these things lol. but he did piss me off bad. i even turned my phone on silent to not answer my texts and i took a nap for about a good hour. mom came home. started yelling. woke up with another headachee. took a shower. and then another headache. made noodles. lol. but yeahh. it wasn't such a good day. i mean i tried. but people love making me mad or some. and then i was thinking about the 7 deadly sins.. wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, pride, and greed. i think my deadliest sin is wrath & lust. i'm constantly mad. i constantly lust for people. it's not such a good thing. i mean damn can't my hormones juss chill? can't my anger chill out too? //:

-jenn-tacular;

"I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish."

-Black Eyed Peas

Always Tired. Barely Inspired. [010510]

today was the first day back to school from the christmas/holiday break. it was weird, cus some new people came into some of my classes. and some people had switched their schedules. ohwell. it was still good to see everyone. me and my friend switched phones. since he has a sidekick and i have a gravity and he knows i love sidekicks. so thank gawd. i had a sidekick for the whole day. which was badass. for first period, i hope they changed the seating arrangement. i didn't like it. but i still talked to my buddy that's in there. and then in second period, i saw gina & virginia. nohomo, but i love those chicks real talk. dunno what i would be without 'em. in third period, i hope she changed the seating arrangements too. i didn't like 'em at all. i'm so used to being in my corner and charging my phone. and being stupid with spacek. haha. in fourth period, well the seating was changed. AGAIN. and i was gonna talk to the new girl that sat next to me.. but then i fell asleep. so when i woke up i talked to her. apparently, she's a senior who only has 3 classes this semester. ugh lucky. and in fifth period, well sauceda will be sauceda. he gave us work and made us stay quiet. damn sauceda. and in sixth period, i was actually kinda lookin' forward to seeing ms moore. i don't think she's all that bad.. it's just that people are scared of her. and well we all are. but she's not bad at all. it's one of my favorite classes. and well there was a substitute, which kinda sucked cus he was blahh mean. and then in seventh period, i juss washed clothes and whatnot. watched the guys at soccer practice. go eat at mama rose. so it's all good. and well, after i walked around with some of the soccer guys and laughed my ass off. wanted to walk home. but got picked up by a friend.

came home. and now my brother is crying. and crying. and crying. and crying. and crying. can't he stop crying? can't he? and my dad's yelling. and yelling. and yelling. and yelling. i'm so tired of it.. i don't know what to do. i have the worst migraines cus of this shit sometimes. sometimes i juss want peace & quiet. i know i'm loud. so i guess that's karma biting my ass. i juss want some time to myself. a good nice hot shower. to forget about everything for 30 minutes. and to juss chill in the steam and hot water. and forget about assholes. forget about guys. and forget about shit that happened in the day. i juss want time to myself. i don't wanna have to worry about anyone at all. i don't want to have to worry about school. i don't wanna have to worry about family and chores. and i don't want to come home to people yelling. my ears are tired of it. my head's always tired. my mind's barely inspired.

-jenn-tacular;

"I wanna be your main attraction. Roll camera please, I think it's time for some action."

-Wiz Khalifa

Pasadena Memorial Stadium. [010410]

that place is in the middle of nowhere man! ohwell. what sucks is that varsity lost.. man! 2-0. :[ ohwell though.. jv tied.. not so bad. and well i chilled with the jv guys while varsity played. man they crack me up! haha. soccer guys are hilarious.

but besides that, my day. well i woke up early and had to go do errands with my mom. slept at 3. woke up at 8. not enough for my body but ohwell. so we went to bellaire and went to go eat dim sum. i haven't had that in a long time! the waiter was cuuuuuute. haha. and then on the way to go get my ma's haircut, there was a cute guy in a honda. mmm.. lol. sexy honda guy! she got her haircut and then went home. went to the dentist's. man i now have a phobia against dentists. well first i sat there for like a damn hour and a half watching murder cases on the tv. they are soooo fuckin' interesting. and then they started to clean my teeth. not too bad. until they mentioned needles. did i ever tell you i'm TERRIFIED of fuckin' NEEDLES?! so they numbed me up but man still. i can feel the needle going in my gums.. i tried not to cry and i couldn't let go of my hands the entire time. they were sore and numb. and after a long as time, they finished. got in the car. and i cried. and then the brother kept bothering me. so i cried some more. got home. and my dad laughed at me. so i cried some more. yess lots of crying. not cool. i guess all the emotional stress and whatnot made me really tired. but it's best to let it all out. cried for about a good 2 hours altogether. but my eyes hurt. //: ugh lol.  and they still do. is it like fun to make me pissed? cus i honestly hate it. it's hard for me to calm down when i'm so mad. plus when my emotions pour out negatively, it's not good. well let's juss hope tmrw is better.

-jenn-tacular;

"My mind is gone. I'm spinning round. And deep inside. My tears I'll drown."

-Rihanna

Sour Cream & Onion Chips. [010310]

man these chips are good lol. they're my favorite chips of all times. yes i'm a lay's addict.<3 but i also love hot fries! you guys know what to get me now hahahaha.

well today i spent the day at home.. doing nothing but chores. yelling at my brother. and juss sitting being lazy. and tmrw i have a buncha appts for like my health. blahh. and then a soccer game to go to.
let's see how that goes..

and well again, i've been thinking. yesterday my mom yelled at me and made me cry. and today she acts like nothing happened. asking me how she looks and stuff. like you care what i think now? how about last night? no? i would love it if you could consider me a little ma, i do have feelings too ya know.
but i guess not. apparently nothing happens and i didn't get hurt. i hate the fact that we argue already so early in the new year. i don't like it at all. and then she goes and compares me to my dad? you don't compare me to him. i'm nothing like him in a mental and emotional sense. nothing like him. i don't steal from my family. i don't forget promises. i don't forget people. i don't hurt people and make them cry for endless days. i'm nothing like that.  sometimes i wish people would understand that everyone has feelings.

-jenn-tacular;

"There she goes, that crazy girl. She thinks she's something in this world."

-Lady Gaga

Expect The Unexpected. [010210]

hello haters&mastubators. :P lol. well it's the second day of the new year! like i said, twentyJEN. haha! but besides that.. my day!

went to a soccer game, it was real cold. but haa, i looked good. with my new purple hoodie and skinnies from forever21. who doesn't love that store? rockin' it with my purple nikes. after we went to jack and omg, i have to say that ultimate bacon cheeseburger was GOOOOOOOOD. ahaha. i think i'ma be going back there for more. then me and my homeboy was juss driving around. and i mean we live in houston, who goes to katy for walmart? haha. apparently we do. went to katy mills mall and walked around. but i was juss tired by that time. didn't get to drive today but it's whateverr. i also had a long talk with a friend. it was a good talk. i haven't talked to him in a long time.

but today's quote is "expect the unexpected." you never really know what you're going to do when you're juss driving around. or what reality is gonna slap you in the face with. i think that's what the new year is gonna bring us, unexpected things. but if we're prepared for it we won't be so shocked when reality does slap some nasty in our face. haha. i think that's one quote that many should be familiar with. but some haven't taken the time to it into their minds and really process what that means. many people should really think about what it means. and also i think that applies to people that are around me. i'm jenny for goodness sakes! expect the unexpected. the possibilities are endless lol. hellsyeah!

awhhman i juss got yelled at for going over the phone bill. i needa stop talking so much lol. you guys should juss text me. don't call!

-jenn-tacular;

"She's not broken in a bad way."

-Lady Gaga

New Years! It's 2010 Baby! [010110]

it's 2010 baby! it feels like it's gonna be a good promising year. :) i can feel it from the heart of my bottom. haha! well today was a good start to the new year. despite the fact i hate going places in a big group or big family. it's hella annoying don't you think? well first we out to eat at some asian restaurant [typical eh?] with like 3 asian families? that was crazy, considering that everyone decided to bring their kids. they gave me 3 migraines today! //: but ohwell. it's all good cus i went to my favorite store, forever21 [ADDICTED!<3], and i got new skinnies, 2 hoodies, and a new tank top! man i'm happy that i got more stuff. ahaha. what a typical girl who loves stuff. and i also got my "auntiee" kysa's birthday gift. :P which i won't put on here in case she reads this! haha. and well it was juss good. since we were at katy mills mall and after i got out they made me babysit my little boy cousin, i walked around the mall 3 times! that place is HUUUUUGE. and man was i tired after! when we got on the merry go round i got reallyyyy dizzy and got a migraine cus of that lmfao. i know i know, who gets dizzy on merry go rounds? well apparently i do haha. but at the mall, omg. everything was like 50% off! i went into a toy store and found a vincent van gogh jigsaw puzzle. 1000 pieces! i'm currently working on it right now. it's called starry night. [img here: http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm266/bazjah/Van%20Gough/vangogh34.jpg] it's a hard puzzle lol. but i got it for 50% off. so i'm glad about that. but besides about my day..

i was thinking about this year. this year feels more promising. more fun. and it feels like it's gonna be a good and memorable year. and that's what matters right? especially my birthday. that feels like it's gonna be bomb! i can't wait for this year to get into action. it juss feels like everything i've done for the past year or so is finally gonna get paid off. this year is gonna be twentyJEN! nawhmsayin? :D lol.

this month i'm looking forward to;
1. timmy chan's & mall with glenn lol.
2. learning how to drive more.
3. kysa's sweet 16!
4. soccer season gets into motion. games to go to and manage! :D
5. angel's birthday!

let's see what else is in store for me like a shopping spree. ;D

-jenn-tacular;

"That boy is bad. And honestly, he's a wolf in disguise. But i can't stop staring in those evil eyes."

-Lady Gaga