Venting. [012410]

so today i went to kysa's house. now that was crazy. we vented and vented and vented. and we laughed and laughed. tears and laughter. and ketchup lol. we talked about boys.. we found our old notes. the way our minds worked was unbelievable. i wrote so many things. so many words. i was a broken little girl with a complex mind of a broken adult. i dawdled on the littlest things. things bruised me and hurt me. more than they did today. some of the most important people in my life walked outta my life and i'm fine. but why did i write that i couldn't be without them? i guess i lied to myself. i'm fine. i can't believe the fact that i even thought that way was me only a year ago. it seemed like the world's turned upside down on me now. i don't know what to do. i'm back to starting point A and i don't know how to get to B. wherever B is, it sure is hiding well. the guys that were in my heart.. they're still there. right? i don't even know. i was so used and unimportant. i got some doors slammed shut in my face when i tried to run back into people's lives. i even tried breaking down the door. but nothing worked. but now i see that if they don't want me i shouldn't bother. what's the point? if they don't want me. then i'm not gonna bother them anymore. but these notes made me reminisce and i felt guilty. i feel guilty, not regretful. i can't believe i put people through all that shit. through all the lies and the emotions and the breakdowns. it's funny how i wanted someone to care. when they all do. maybe not as much as i'd like. but they do. a little. everyone cares for me. they juss don't know how to love me. at the end of the day, i juss want someone that i can love. instead of running around from guy to guy. to fella to fella. instead of actually being able to have someone to love after the day's done. i don't have anyone. i'm sick of it. i'm lovesick. i don't know what it's like to love anymore. sometimes i feel like there are people who try but they don't put enough effort into it. my mind's been in a tangle. a jungle of thoughts. a maze of memories. i can't seem to find the way out. there has to be a way out of this misery i've put myself into. a way out of this unnecessary low i've resorted to. i'm tired of the headaches and migraines. i'm tired of being used. sick of being abused. i wanna be complete again. i've forgotten what it was like to actually wake up every morning okay and smiling and to go to sleep every night smiling and satisfied. i want that feeling of wholeness. damn.

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby I just don't get it. Do you enjoy being hurt?"

-Mario