goodbye, old blog.

you have now retired.

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Runaway/Loneliness. [102410]

vulnerable (adjective) capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.
lonely (adjective) affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

after watching kanye west's runaway video, i absolutely fell in love with him over again. the video was so artistically beautiful. i got goosebumps, my spine tingled, my eyes cried from the beauty. my heart was touched. i haven't seen something so phenomenal in years. the video absolutely stole my heart.
"baby i got a plan, runaway as fast as you can." -kanye west.

why am i so lonely? is it the vulnerability that affects me so? my heart bleeds and pumps tears of pain knowing that i can't be yours, since you have a new girl. it's always been like this.. why couldn't i have been your "perfect girl?" why couldn't it have been me? i know we said if it was meant to be, it would happen. but can i really wait that long? i always thought we'd be like the movies. you know, fall in love & grow old together & live happily ever after.. but we all know lovesick fairy tales are juss imaginary stories. i wish i could believe in our make believe but it couldn't last.. too many obstacles that we couldn't jump over together. maybe we were juss unwilling to make a difference. i don't know what it is. but i always tend to be REJECTED.. indirectly & directly. you know me oh so well but you can't see that it hurts to know that you do & i can't even talk to you the same way i used to anymore.. past is past yeah, but that doesn't mean it can flood you with the amazing memories you once had..

i feel like sometimes i'm juss too independent, making me vulnerable to guys who have potential to have something with me.. maybe i juss want a guy who would complete that empty void where you should be.. but what can i do?
"waiting on you for so long, too many days since january.." -drake.

-jenn-tacular;

"runaway from it baby."

-kanye west 

Sometimes. [100210]

you know, sometimes, i can't believe i ever liked you. sometimes, i can't believe that you made me fall for your stupid ways. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you actually cared about me. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you actually FELT the same way about me. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you even had EMOTIONS. sometimes, i can't believe to think that we might've had something.

sometimes, i can't believe i put effort into nothing when i thought deep down i was putting effort into something. absolutely blinded.. or maybe juss selective on what i want to feel & see & believe. selective on certain parts of the truth. selective on things about you. all i saw were the "good" things. when clearly the cons overshadowed your pros. i should've been more careful, listened to what they said. but no, i'm a stubborn child & refuse to let any of that be the reason of what i do. i needed to experience the pain & hurt myself, the ones that i'm gonna feel many times in the future. even though that shouldn't happen.

sometimes, i can't believe any guy would ever want to talk to me. i'm juss jenny. a 16 year old girl with a wild mind of her own. i'm not the prettiest crayon in the 64 pack with the cool sharpener.. but i'm more reliable & i guarantee you that i got charisma & personality. but whatever makes you choose her over me is up to you. sometimes, i can't have everything i want. it kinda sucks, but that's how life is.

sometimes, i still think about you.
sometimes, i wish you'd get out of my mind so i can think peacefully.
sometimes, i want to cry & ask why did you do that to me.

sometimes, that isn't enough.

-jenn-tacular;

"Cus you're the cigarette. & I'm the smoker."

-Miguel Jontel

Onto The Next One. [093010]

"i'm so confused, i don't know what to do.
but i gotta be a woman, gotta get over you." -mya.

she couldn't say it any better.. love at such a young age is absolutely something that shouldn't be tampered with. it scars you for life cus you're so delicate & fragile. i think i juss need time to get back what's mine & by that i mean my effort & feelings, you know, those nonrenewable resources. love's like glass, beautiful if seen in the right angle. fragile if you drop it, might end up breaking. fixable yes, but never the same.

i really don't know what to say.. i hate getting played. it's one of those things in life though that you have to experience. after this situation, all i can say is "onto the next one." what else can i do? what else is life gonna allow me to do? i'm not gonna mope around & waste my time for some guy who isn't even gonna appreciate the tears that fall down from my eyes. i need to stop trying to be like society & stop being "co-dependent." i need to be independent & depend on no one but myself. i gotta stop looking for this so called love.. maybe i'm in love with the idea of being in love.

-jenn-tacular;

"They told me never fall in love it never works out in your favor. You're way too young & that's juss human nature."

-Mac Miller

Another Day, Another Birthday. [090510]

so today my brother turned 7. i hadn't gotten that pissed in a long ass time! but let's not talk about my day yeah? it'll juss make me mad. like you know. when you get so mad you cry? yeah.

lately i've been trying to sort out my emotions & feelings for someone.. it's hard to think that you can't have everything you want & it's hard to think that you can't control your emotions. imagine if you could, someone likes you, you don't like em but you COULD like em & then bam. you guys like each other. happily ever after, the end. how beautiful right? but sadly, reality doesn't work that way.. like i say, "the mind doesn't control the emotions of the heart, for the emotions of the heart are uncontrollable." it's true right? you can't THINK you love someone, you either do or you don't.. that's the way i see it.

you know what else sucks? not being able to see the person you like as often as you'd want to.. it's like, you guys are both busy. fuck, who knows if the other person is even interested? ugh. so many thoughts going on right now.

"Give my love to no one else."

-Wale

Back To School. [082310]

today was the back to school day.. i'm currently a JUNIOR now! i can't believe it myself ya know? it seems like it's been so much shorter. i can remember when i was a freshman & i was totally lost. lol! but all in besides that..

a lot of things have been on my mind lately. i don't know how to sort out my priorities right now.. i don't know if the feelings i feel right now are based off of lust or if i actually like the person for who they are.. i hope it's the second one, i really do. i hate how when guys upset me i try to find comfort in other guys. i shouldn't be doing that in the first place cus if i find comfort in other guys i'll juss be more confused about my feelings cus i'll be vulnerable if i open up right? vulnerability in this state of emotions is not good for anything to be happening. i need to sort out my head, emotions & priorities before i can move on to anything else.

-jenn-tacular;

"What if I kissed you right now? Would it bring us any closer?"

-Drake

Juss Some Thoughts. [081510]

obviously you're on my mind & it juss seems harder & harder to get you out.. i don't want to sound like one of those girls who juss be chasin' you cus i'm sure you got plenty. but what can i say? there's juss something about you that i'm naturally attracted to & i juss can't get enough.. there's juss something about you that i want more of & i know it may sound a bit scary.. but no one has ever controlled the emotions & feelings the heart controls. they have lied to themselves believing that they could but we all know deep down that they're being scared of their own emotions & feelings. they blame upon the emotions & feelings they witness as to their actions. i personally believe that what feelings we witness are a state of mind..

that is all.

-jenn-tacular;

"I got that better love, that no one better love, that hit it and gone tomorrow but this forever love."

-Wale

All That Matters Is Right Now. [072610]

all that matters is right now. the present for which you live for. the past is gone & that's the past. LET IT GO. yes i know some of it will hurt you still but you need to understand that that's the past. prepare yourself for the future & live for today.

& at this very second of moment in time, i'm pretty damn happy.
juss for this second though. ;]

-jenn-tacular;

"You had me at hello.."

-A Day To Remember

Where's My Mind? [071310]

i have absolutely no clue what's going on in my head right now. it's twirling around more than a confused tornado. i don't know what to think anymore when it comes to whatever.

like with guys, i have no clue what to say to them anymore. i don't know if i digg them. i don't know if it's juss sex i want. i don't know if i actually feel for em. cus i've been fucked over, so that first cut cut me deep, cut me like surgery. scars & all came with it. so i don't know what to think when it comes down to guys anymore. i mean why try when all they're gonna do is hurt you. might as well not love at all.

when it comes to friends, i know it's always my fault. i don't try hard enough. then i don't feel bad.. but then i feel bad for not feeling bad in the first place. cus that's juss way too fucked up of me. i mean really? you couldn't feel bad for doing your close friends wrong? i guess the bad influence in me has gotten so bad that i don't know what the hell good is anymore. if there is any. i guess it's cus i'm the friend that doesn't know shit & hurts people.

when it comes down to family, no one said i had to love you. fuck off really. you think i really love you cus we share the same blood? hellnawh. earn my love. earn my respect. nuff said.

i wish there was something i could do. but honestly, what can i do? i'm a fuck up. i fuck up EVERYTHING. it's always my fault. i can't believe my mother gave birth to such a fucked up person.

juss another day in the life of jenny..

-jenn-tacular;

"I don't ask for much, but I fucked up. I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up but everyone fuck up."

-Lil Wayne

Random Thoughts. [070910]

i don't think it's possible to count the times i've asked myself "what could've been if..", "what if..", "why didn't i.." & etc. what could've been if i didn't meet you? what could've been if i didn't fall so hopelessly in love with you? what if i actually gave you a chance? what if i wasn't so stubborn & blind? why didn't i say what i needed to when you asked me? juss why, what if, how & so many things sprinting through my mind.

thinking about how right now, maybe i do want a relationship. but then why have one if you juss want one? i'd rather be devoted & dedicated to the person without a relationship, no strings attached. i'm still an independent female & i don't need to rely on a man. i may want you, but no one said i never needed you. need is an illusion & excuse for me to keep you by my side. although all in all, you have the choice to leave. i can't tie you down & say, "YOU'RE STAYING." that's juss not right to me. i've learned that every single thing is your own individual choice. you can't let anyone force you to do/say something.

i've been trying to occupy myself from thinking. but obviously that isn't working. i don't wanna think lately cus all i think about is YOU YOU YOU. & of course the other minor details in my life. yeah. i think about you a lot.

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby you could've been part of a masterpiece."

-Rihanna

Baby, Baby, I Can't Sleep. [070510]

well first of all, it's like what? 1:19 in the A.M. can't seem to sleep. maybe i got insomnia tonight. gotta send a little shoutout, happy birthday to nancy. :] she turns 17 today!

so july 2nd, i got to experience the vans warped tour.. in the mothafuckin' damn rain. lol. like really!? it HAD to rain?! i lost my shirt, i got a deal on a shirt, they were tryna give me a deal on a pipe & a weed flag at the marijuana tent, i met people, i was in a mosh pitt i didn't wanna be in, i met some badass people at the nevershoutnever performance & i crowd surfed! there's probably more to warped tour but right now, i can't seem to think of anything. plus that was warped tour for me in a nutshell. it was absolutely an amazing experience. i definitely wanna go next year. it was so much fun. you guys should go too! well if you're into bands but of course. haha.

here's the list of the bands that i saw:
a tiny bit of alesena.
attackattack!
breathe carolina.
emmure.
enter shikari.
a bit of four year strong.
hey monday.
hollywood heartthrob.
nevershoutnever.
sum 41.
the all american rejects.
we the kings.

all in all, warped tour was fucking insanely amazing. even with the damn rain.

so for july 4th, i went to go see fireworks in almeda. it wasn't much, juss plain damn torture with 4 little kids. :/ i don't really like little kids. they get on my damn nerves. didn't get to spend time with gina. but heyy, the fireworks were pretty. i guess that's all that counts eh?

but this weekend i can pretty much say.. i've had too much shit on my mind. too much to think about. thinking too hard. my migraines have come back. :/ goddamn it.. there are juss some things that aren't meant to be huh? or things juss don't work in people's favors sometimes. i guess it's life tryna put a huge sign in their faces saying "WASTE OF TIME." so i definitely juss might be.. wasting my time.

-jenn-tacular;

"I keep, I keep thinking of you."

-Lil Wayne

It's The First Day Of Summer. [062110]

there's not much to say.. not much has happened actually. well a lot has happened, lol. it's life. rollercoaster ride is juss an understatement of what life is. i don't know how i'm still holding on cus i'm terrified of rollercoasters. [no really i am!] but i juss hope the thrill & adrenaline is worth it.

i've been struggling a lot lately with everything. friends, family, school, maintaining a social life, sleep deprivation. & you know, that special person. or whatever. you know, the usual things a teenager goes through.

so about the FRIENDS slice of my life pie. like this [retarded lmfao] video that my bestfriend angel showed me, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkdUgVcV7w], i'm not here for convenient friendships. if you want me in your life, i'ma stay. but stop wondering in & out of my life for when it's convenient for you. i get tired of having to constantly see you disappear in & out of my life. i'm not here for that. i'm here cus i care for you & cus i actually try to be a good friend. i know sometimes it may not seem like it, but i do try. i know it may not look like i'm putting in effort, oh but i am. it's juss difficult for me to go be "amazing" when i'm under so much stress it feels like i can barely breathe. so give a chick a break could ya? friends come & go. real ones stick through thick & thin. no matter how bad the situation. no matter how bad they've gotten themselves in a tangle, if you really were a friend & you really cared for this person, you stick by their side like superglue. yes, you get frustrated. yes, sometimes you want to kill that person. but you have to also think, if they were real friends, wouldn't they do the same for you if you suddenly hit rock bottom? thick & thin. i know it sounds cliche. but it's damn true to the core.

now when it comes to FAMILY, i love them. yes i really do. well it depends. me loving you doesn't have to be mandatory love. you gotta earn my love & juss cus you're family doesn't mean that i'm gonna automatically love you. you show me respect, trust, honesty. that's when i show love back. cus that means you earn it. being honest & showing respect isn't that hard. which basically means, stop talking shit about me right in front of my face. or behind my back & let me find out later. that's straight up disrespectful towards your bloodline. did your mother NOT teach you manners?

as for SCHOOL, things have gotten a little out of hand. now i haven't seen my report card even though everyone has seemed to received theirs, i think i've failed a couple classes. i'm not sure.. but yeah. plus i'm taking summer school original credit to get ahead. maybe have off campus my senior year? lol. or maybe take that dual credit stuff for college credit cus i wanna get as many college credits i can out of the way. or at least have off campus so i can rest my senior year & be lazy & sleep in & all that good stuff. lol. but honestly.. i'm not sure if i wanna take this original credit stuff next year. :/ it's a real drag on my summer. i mean they EXTENDED the damn original credit shit. we're stuck there till july 13th?! really?! man chavez, i DO have a life [kinda].

some GOALS i have this summer. i really want to get my id, get a job, learn how to drive. all that crap you learn when you're 16 ya know? i mean if i could get a job around my area, that would help my family out greatly. plus it'd benefit me cus i like stuff. & stuff costs money lol. learn how to drive this summer at least decently cus i want to drive to school this upcoming school year. i wanna be independent. do things on my own. i don't like asking & depending on other people for things that i could provide for myself. i also want to hit a 2000 mark in my itunes. i miss my old songs, i really do. :/ so i want them all back! another goal of SUMMER '10, is to go to the vans warped tour. :) i'm excited! i'm ordering tickets this week with my bestiee angel & hopefully i'll have fun & take lots of dumb pics.

now juss a random section of my thoughts of the "influence." if you're straight edge & you don't do that, then good. you keep doing you & don't let nobody stop you from what you're doing. if you do do things under the influence, then well i don't blame you. it's an amazing escape & release. then again, many people do run to those substances for escape. some do it cus they like it. some do it cus they're addicted [& are juss in denial & won't admit it]. some do it cus who knows. we all have our own reasons. i juss want to say, don't judge. it's not you, it's not your health, it's not your body, it's not your actions. so don't worry about what they do. let them do what they do.

well that's all i can think of for now my fans & non fans & people who are reading this juss for the fuck of it. hopefully i'll be blogging more seeing as it's nice to vent to everyone & no one.

-jenn-tacular;

"We all in the race, I'm just another sprinter. If there's no finish line, then who's the real winner?"

-Lil Wayne

People Change. [051510]

slightly slippin' back into depression.
my oh my, have things gone wrong.
i know the things i've done lately haven't been the wisest decisions, nor have they been right. but they weren't wrong. maybe it was wrong in your eyes, i'm not sure.
but you know, what happened to the whole cliche "true friends" things?
if you were my true friend, you'd accept the fact that i did it right?
i get that you're upset. disappointed.
but there was no need to say all the things you said.
you could've said it better.
you really could've.
but it's your decision.
i know that i haven't been lately the girl that everyone knew.
but people change right?
i mean change happens. everyday.
so i don't see why i'm such a different case?
aren't i juss another person who has changed as well?
i accepted your change, why not accept mine?
i go through with all the things you went through, why couldn't you go through with mine?
i don't mean to sound like a bitch.
i know i'm not straight lately.
maybe it's a phase, maybe not.
i don't know.
how am i s'posed to know?
am i losing you too?
i don't wanna lose anyone anymore.
but you know what? if you wanna walk out, do so.
i'm not gonna beg for you to come back, cus i can't stop you.
i don't control what you do.

i'm tired of arguing. what's going on? why have i become the person i am?
a fucked up child.
disgusted with myself.
i'm such a fuck up.

"Wait, they don't love you like I love you."

-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Can't Process. [042710]

i can't process shit that's happening.
wtf is happening to me?
my mind's gone.
so is everything else.
i can't do shit about this situation anymore.
all i ever do is argue & cry & argue & cry & argue some more.
when the fuck am i gonna learn from shit that's s'posed to help me?
so yeah i did shit that wasn't right.
but they weren't wrong.
when the fuck am i gonna be able to say fuck it all?
when am i gonna GROW THE FUCK UP!?

-jenn-tacular;

"All the crazy shit I did tonight, those will be the best memories."

-Kid Cudi

Juss Writing. [032710]

i won't list names. but they should know who they are.
if i put a blank in this is cus i don't want their business all out there.
you guys understand right?

i wrote this on march 25th. in the shower.

remember how we used to be?
together happily when you started talking in january.
you were like drake, saying i was the best you ever had.
said everyday without me was always bad.
you said i love you, was this real?
did you really feel the way i feel?
then you went out with her, the first time you hurt me.
cried so much told myself it wasn't meant to be.
stopped talking, didn't wanna hear from you.
cus you were so happy with her, what could i do?
then you guys break up, you come running back.
can't believe you reeled me back in, juss like that.
finally went out in the month of july.
but i felt things go downhill, then 2 weeks flew by.
said you couldn't do it, hoped i understand.
i said i wouldn't cry, but you weren't my man.
it didn't hurt as much that time, i expected it really.
like i said, we weren't meant to be together clearly.
2 weeks after, a new girl again.
what could i say? to you she was a perfect 10.
you guys ended, came running back once more.
then again i felt my heart tore.
but a month or so later, a new girl, another.
________ was her name, a pretty face like no other.
i told you she wasn't your type but who was i to judge?
ehh, maybe it ws cus i still held a grudge.
recently you guys broke up, it didn't work out.
am i juss a rebound? apparently that's what it was about.
you said you forgot what love was.
but said i could remind you cus.
in your heart i was your unofficial girl outta all the girls.
always had a smile that shined brighter than pearls.
you even thought of having kids.
thought we'd last forever, at least i thought we did.
but how can i keep up when all i do is suffer.
i know pretty soon you're gonna find another "lover."
i guess it's the distance that's keeping us from us.
cus of you i can't love, all i do is lust.
i always think back to the night of march 23rd.
i poured out my feelings & you heard.
what i said but it didn't sink into your head.
at least it didn't seem like it, maybe it did.
i hate how you act like nothing happened.
you were always in demand, always the captain.
i'd listen cus you had me sprung like t-pain.
but everything that's happened has happened in vain.
but today's the 25th of mach, morning of the 26th, 2010.
if you asked i wouldn't start over again.
cus i'm not putting up with the tears & heartache.
i don't wanna keep smiling smiles of the fake.
cus i'm still wounded to this day.
everything juss went the wrong way.

-jenn-tacular;

"Have you ever wondered, why I always keep coming back for more?"

-ATB

Caught In A Bad Romance. [031510]

i'm not even in a romance. or at least not that i know of.

i'm gettin' so tired of people all over my case cus of some that happened in the past. i mean we live in the present, why is there a need to shove things from the past in people's faces? especially when you know that that shit has hurt them. i mean you should juss drop the subject. why bring it up if they aren't good memories?

all i can say is that, please don't shove things from the past in my face if you know that it displeases me. i mean why? what's the point? to piss me off? i know pissin' me off is fun but juss chill people. it's nothing to bring up. it's not a topic to talk about.

these guys are all over my case cus of some that happened. i didn't even mean for it to happen. it juss happened. if i could, i'd take it all back, but apparently i can't. oh well. hop off my pussy.

also, i'm so tired of being such a good person. what have i gotten in return? besides the ice cream. why can't people show me any decency back?

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby you gave up, you gave up."

-Lady Gaga

Maybe It's Nothing At All. [030510]

i'm so tired of acceptin' things that really bother me. i mean if it bothers me that much i should juss speak up right? but noo, i don't wanna be lectured at. i wanna avoid fights & whatnot. it's not my fault really. but what can i do? wouldn't you wanna avoid stuff like that too? avoidin' all the fights & drama. all the emotions fightin' at each other. & the time wasted basically. & then this drake song got me thinking. man, can whatever i have with any guy be SOMETHING? at all? or is it all nothing? cus i'm so tired of being left here lonely & abandoned. my heart is in deep hurt, wound too deep to heal. can't do anythin' about that either. it's always gonna be there to stare & laugh at me. remind me how foolish i've been. how blind i've been. how naive i was to believe it all.

-jenn-tacular;

"This could be something."

-Drake

Relations, Not Relationships. [022710]

maritza's 16 later on today, now that's whassup.

it's amazing how people change over time, even if it's unintentional. it's amazing how people can be such a different person from when you first met them. i juss hope that one day things get back onto good terms. i never meant to hurt you. & in the end i guess i did. giving you headaches & stress. i don't mean it, i really don't. & yerr close to me, i consider you a major impact in my life. so i'd hate to see the day that we drift apart with me sitting at home with a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream crying & watching some lovesick movie. i'd hate to see the day you walk outta my life as if you were walkin' the red carpet. i mean life isn't fair, yes we all know this, but there are juss some things you wanna be selfish about & keep. can i juss say one of those things is you?

relations. not relationships. i mean if yerr all for a relationship, go for it, have fun & give that other person all the love you can give. but if yerr not that type of person. then go all for relations. don't put yerrself through relationship problems if it's not yerr thing. it's understandable to not want to commit.

wondering how life's gonna be as soon as another year ends & starts. question yerrself, what have we all become? if you were to meet yerrself today, would you even know who you are?

-jenn-tacular;

"I call them April babies, because they fools."

-Lil Wayne

Today I Was The Ballgirl. [021710]

hahahaha, that was so funny. i got handle balls the whole game. but damn did they make me run.

so today what's on my mind is that, why people ask you some but in the end they act like they don't give a fuck. if yerr gonna ask me some, and in the end so oh cool or oh that's nice, then don't fuckin' ask. simple. i hate how when i ask people some i actually try & talk about the subject. but when they ask me, they're juss like oh that's nice. oh cool. don't fuckin' ask me some if yerr gonna juss be sayin' that. unless you got a good reason like, yerr dog died or i ate yerr dog or some. i also hate it when people change the subject on me. don't ignore what i say. don't act like you didn't hear what i said. if you don't wanna talk about it. i'll drop it. juss say you don't wanna talk about it & we're fine, i'll drop it right there. is that so hard?!

-jenn-tacular;

"Turn me on with your electric feel."

-MGMT

I'm So Damn Frustrated. [021310]

happy anti-valentine's day btw.

seein' all the valentine's stuff yesterday at school made me kinda sick, it's bad enough that i'm jealous of people who are capable to love, but havin' them show off as well made me juss wanna take all that stuff & burn it. all the huge 'i love you' bears & all the flowers & chocolates. it's not like i'ma have a valentine this year. i never so why should i look forward to it? at least chinese new year's is tmrw. money is all i'm lookin' forward to righ now. juss the money i guess.

& plus the fact that i'm so frustrated at the world. everything i come in contact with pisses me off in way or another. sometimes people can't even understand the most simplest shit that i say & it makes me mad. i guess i'm frustrated from being frustrated. uhm.. did that make sense?

& then there's all these guys that are juss bringin' me down. unintentionally of course. but still it's tirin' havin' to drag them around too, i can't sleep well & that's all that's ever on my mind, juss all those guys, & yes i'm aware that it makes me sound like a hoe, but i call it keepin' my options open. sometimes i wish guys weren't so hard to figure out, like a 1000 piece puzzle, i got some pieces connected, but most of em aren't.

also, why does everyone's gf have a problem with me? what the fuck did i ever do to them? i never did shit & they're all over here talkin' shit about me, throwin' me dirty looks, all cus i talk to their man? i don't even talk to them in that way so i don't see why they trippin' & callin' me a damn hoe or bitch. i'm tired of havin' problems with females that i never did anythin' to.

all these things causin' me stress. friends, family, school, guys. i guess it's juss my lifestyle to be busy & occupied & stressed. i juss wanna go cry.

-jenn-tacular;

"How can something so familiar be so strange?"

-Timbaland