that is all.
-jenn-tacular;
"I got that better love, that no one better love, that hit it and gone tomorrow but this forever love."
-Wale
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Juss Some Thoughts. [081510]
obviously you're on my mind & it juss seems harder & harder to get you out.. i don't want to sound like one of those girls who juss be chasin' you cus i'm sure you got plenty. but what can i say? there's juss something about you that i'm naturally attracted to & i juss can't get enough.. there's juss something about you that i want more of & i know it may sound a bit scary.. but no one has ever controlled the emotions & feelings the heart controls. they have lied to themselves believing that they could but we all know deep down that they're being scared of their own emotions & feelings. they blame upon the emotions & feelings they witness as to their actions. i personally believe that what feelings we witness are a state of mind..
that is all.
that is all.
Monday, July 26, 2010
All That Matters Is Right Now. [072610]
all that matters is right now. the present for which you live for. the past is gone & that's the past. LET IT GO. yes i know some of it will hurt you still but you need to understand that that's the past. prepare yourself for the future & live for today.
& at this very second of moment in time, i'm pretty damn happy.
juss for this second though. ;]
& at this very second of moment in time, i'm pretty damn happy.
juss for this second though. ;]
-jenn-tacular;
"You had me at hello.."
-A Day To Remember
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Where's My Mind? [071310]
i have absolutely no clue what's going on in my head right now. it's twirling around more than a confused tornado. i don't know what to think anymore when it comes to whatever.
like with guys, i have no clue what to say to them anymore. i don't know if i digg them. i don't know if it's juss sex i want. i don't know if i actually feel for em. cus i've been fucked over, so that first cut cut me deep, cut me like surgery. scars & all came with it. so i don't know what to think when it comes down to guys anymore. i mean why try when all they're gonna do is hurt you. might as well not love at all.
when it comes to friends, i know it's always my fault. i don't try hard enough. then i don't feel bad.. but then i feel bad for not feeling bad in the first place. cus that's juss way too fucked up of me. i mean really? you couldn't feel bad for doing your close friends wrong? i guess the bad influence in me has gotten so bad that i don't know what the hell good is anymore. if there is any. i guess it's cus i'm the friend that doesn't know shit & hurts people.
when it comes down to family, no one said i had to love you. fuck off really. you think i really love you cus we share the same blood? hellnawh. earn my love. earn my respect. nuff said.
i wish there was something i could do. but honestly, what can i do? i'm a fuck up. i fuck up EVERYTHING. it's always my fault. i can't believe my mother gave birth to such a fucked up person.
juss another day in the life of jenny..
like with guys, i have no clue what to say to them anymore. i don't know if i digg them. i don't know if it's juss sex i want. i don't know if i actually feel for em. cus i've been fucked over, so that first cut cut me deep, cut me like surgery. scars & all came with it. so i don't know what to think when it comes down to guys anymore. i mean why try when all they're gonna do is hurt you. might as well not love at all.
when it comes to friends, i know it's always my fault. i don't try hard enough. then i don't feel bad.. but then i feel bad for not feeling bad in the first place. cus that's juss way too fucked up of me. i mean really? you couldn't feel bad for doing your close friends wrong? i guess the bad influence in me has gotten so bad that i don't know what the hell good is anymore. if there is any. i guess it's cus i'm the friend that doesn't know shit & hurts people.
when it comes down to family, no one said i had to love you. fuck off really. you think i really love you cus we share the same blood? hellnawh. earn my love. earn my respect. nuff said.
i wish there was something i could do. but honestly, what can i do? i'm a fuck up. i fuck up EVERYTHING. it's always my fault. i can't believe my mother gave birth to such a fucked up person.
juss another day in the life of jenny..
-jenn-tacular;
"I don't ask for much, but I fucked up. I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up but everyone fuck up."
-Lil Wayne
Friday, July 9, 2010
Random Thoughts. [070910]
i don't think it's possible to count the times i've asked myself "what could've been if..", "what if..", "why didn't i.." & etc. what could've been if i didn't meet you? what could've been if i didn't fall so hopelessly in love with you? what if i actually gave you a chance? what if i wasn't so stubborn & blind? why didn't i say what i needed to when you asked me? juss why, what if, how & so many things sprinting through my mind.
thinking about how right now, maybe i do want a relationship. but then why have one if you juss want one? i'd rather be devoted & dedicated to the person without a relationship, no strings attached. i'm still an independent female & i don't need to rely on a man. i may want you, but no one said i never needed you. need is an illusion & excuse for me to keep you by my side. although all in all, you have the choice to leave. i can't tie you down & say, "YOU'RE STAYING." that's juss not right to me. i've learned that every single thing is your own individual choice. you can't let anyone force you to do/say something.
i've been trying to occupy myself from thinking. but obviously that isn't working. i don't wanna think lately cus all i think about is YOU YOU YOU. & of course the other minor details in my life. yeah. i think about you a lot.
thinking about how right now, maybe i do want a relationship. but then why have one if you juss want one? i'd rather be devoted & dedicated to the person without a relationship, no strings attached. i'm still an independent female & i don't need to rely on a man. i may want you, but no one said i never needed you. need is an illusion & excuse for me to keep you by my side. although all in all, you have the choice to leave. i can't tie you down & say, "YOU'RE STAYING." that's juss not right to me. i've learned that every single thing is your own individual choice. you can't let anyone force you to do/say something.
i've been trying to occupy myself from thinking. but obviously that isn't working. i don't wanna think lately cus all i think about is YOU YOU YOU. & of course the other minor details in my life. yeah. i think about you a lot.
-jenn-tacular;
"Baby you could've been part of a masterpiece."
-Rihanna
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Baby, Baby, I Can't Sleep. [070510]
well first of all, it's like what? 1:19 in the A.M. can't seem to sleep. maybe i got insomnia tonight. gotta send a little shoutout, happy birthday to nancy. :] she turns 17 today!
so july 2nd, i got to experience the vans warped tour.. in the mothafuckin' damn rain. lol. like really!? it HAD to rain?! i lost my shirt, i got a deal on a shirt, they were tryna give me a deal on a pipe & a weed flag at the marijuana tent, i met people, i was in a mosh pitt i didn't wanna be in, i met some badass people at the nevershoutnever performance & i crowd surfed! there's probably more to warped tour but right now, i can't seem to think of anything. plus that was warped tour for me in a nutshell. it was absolutely an amazing experience. i definitely wanna go next year. it was so much fun. you guys should go too! well if you're into bands but of course. haha.
here's the list of the bands that i saw:
a tiny bit of alesena.
attackattack!
breathe carolina.
emmure.
enter shikari.
a bit of four year strong.
hey monday.
hollywood heartthrob.
nevershoutnever.
sum 41.
the all american rejects.
we the kings.
all in all, warped tour was fucking insanely amazing. even with the damn rain.
so for july 4th, i went to go see fireworks in almeda. it wasn't much, juss plain damn torture with 4 little kids. :/ i don't really like little kids. they get on my damn nerves. didn't get to spend time with gina. but heyy, the fireworks were pretty. i guess that's all that counts eh?
but this weekend i can pretty much say.. i've had too much shit on my mind. too much to think about. thinking too hard. my migraines have come back. :/ goddamn it.. there are juss some things that aren't meant to be huh? or things juss don't work in people's favors sometimes. i guess it's life tryna put a huge sign in their faces saying "WASTE OF TIME." so i definitely juss might be.. wasting my time.
so july 2nd, i got to experience the vans warped tour.. in the mothafuckin' damn rain. lol. like really!? it HAD to rain?! i lost my shirt, i got a deal on a shirt, they were tryna give me a deal on a pipe & a weed flag at the marijuana tent, i met people, i was in a mosh pitt i didn't wanna be in, i met some badass people at the nevershoutnever performance & i crowd surfed! there's probably more to warped tour but right now, i can't seem to think of anything. plus that was warped tour for me in a nutshell. it was absolutely an amazing experience. i definitely wanna go next year. it was so much fun. you guys should go too! well if you're into bands but of course. haha.
here's the list of the bands that i saw:
a tiny bit of alesena.
attackattack!
breathe carolina.
emmure.
enter shikari.
a bit of four year strong.
hey monday.
hollywood heartthrob.
nevershoutnever.
sum 41.
the all american rejects.
we the kings.
all in all, warped tour was fucking insanely amazing. even with the damn rain.
so for july 4th, i went to go see fireworks in almeda. it wasn't much, juss plain damn torture with 4 little kids. :/ i don't really like little kids. they get on my damn nerves. didn't get to spend time with gina. but heyy, the fireworks were pretty. i guess that's all that counts eh?
but this weekend i can pretty much say.. i've had too much shit on my mind. too much to think about. thinking too hard. my migraines have come back. :/ goddamn it.. there are juss some things that aren't meant to be huh? or things juss don't work in people's favors sometimes. i guess it's life tryna put a huge sign in their faces saying "WASTE OF TIME." so i definitely juss might be.. wasting my time.
-jenn-tacular;
"I keep, I keep thinking of you."
-Lil Wayne
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's The First Day Of Summer. [062110]
there's not much to say.. not much has happened actually. well a lot has happened, lol. it's life. rollercoaster ride is juss an understatement of what life is. i don't know how i'm still holding on cus i'm terrified of rollercoasters. [no really i am!] but i juss hope the thrill & adrenaline is worth it.
i've been struggling a lot lately with everything. friends, family, school, maintaining a social life, sleep deprivation. & you know, that special person. or whatever. you know, the usual things a teenager goes through.
so about the FRIENDS slice of my life pie. like this [retarded lmfao] video that my bestfriend angel showed me, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkdUgVcV7w], i'm not here for convenient friendships. if you want me in your life, i'ma stay. but stop wondering in & out of my life for when it's convenient for you. i get tired of having to constantly see you disappear in & out of my life. i'm not here for that. i'm here cus i care for you & cus i actually try to be a good friend. i know sometimes it may not seem like it, but i do try. i know it may not look like i'm putting in effort, oh but i am. it's juss difficult for me to go be "amazing" when i'm under so much stress it feels like i can barely breathe. so give a chick a break could ya? friends come & go. real ones stick through thick & thin. no matter how bad the situation. no matter how bad they've gotten themselves in a tangle, if you really were a friend & you really cared for this person, you stick by their side like superglue. yes, you get frustrated. yes, sometimes you want to kill that person. but you have to also think, if they were real friends, wouldn't they do the same for you if you suddenly hit rock bottom? thick & thin. i know it sounds cliche. but it's damn true to the core.
now when it comes to FAMILY, i love them. yes i really do. well it depends. me loving you doesn't have to be mandatory love. you gotta earn my love & juss cus you're family doesn't mean that i'm gonna automatically love you. you show me respect, trust, honesty. that's when i show love back. cus that means you earn it. being honest & showing respect isn't that hard. which basically means, stop talking shit about me right in front of my face. or behind my back & let me find out later. that's straight up disrespectful towards your bloodline. did your mother NOT teach you manners?
as for SCHOOL, things have gotten a little out of hand. now i haven't seen my report card even though everyone has seemed to received theirs, i think i've failed a couple classes. i'm not sure.. but yeah. plus i'm taking summer school original credit to get ahead. maybe have off campus my senior year? lol. or maybe take that dual credit stuff for college credit cus i wanna get as many college credits i can out of the way. or at least have off campus so i can rest my senior year & be lazy & sleep in & all that good stuff. lol. but honestly.. i'm not sure if i wanna take this original credit stuff next year. :/ it's a real drag on my summer. i mean they EXTENDED the damn original credit shit. we're stuck there till july 13th?! really?! man chavez, i DO have a life [kinda].
some GOALS i have this summer. i really want to get my id, get a job, learn how to drive. all that crap you learn when you're 16 ya know? i mean if i could get a job around my area, that would help my family out greatly. plus it'd benefit me cus i like stuff. & stuff costs money lol. learn how to drive this summer at least decently cus i want to drive to school this upcoming school year. i wanna be independent. do things on my own. i don't like asking & depending on other people for things that i could provide for myself. i also want to hit a 2000 mark in my itunes. i miss my old songs, i really do. :/ so i want them all back! another goal of SUMMER '10, is to go to the vans warped tour. :) i'm excited! i'm ordering tickets this week with my bestiee angel & hopefully i'll have fun & take lots of dumb pics.
now juss a random section of my thoughts of the "influence." if you're straight edge & you don't do that, then good. you keep doing you & don't let nobody stop you from what you're doing. if you do do things under the influence, then well i don't blame you. it's an amazing escape & release. then again, many people do run to those substances for escape. some do it cus they like it. some do it cus they're addicted [& are juss in denial & won't admit it]. some do it cus who knows. we all have our own reasons. i juss want to say, don't judge. it's not you, it's not your health, it's not your body, it's not your actions. so don't worry about what they do. let them do what they do.
well that's all i can think of for now my fans & non fans & people who are reading this juss for the fuck of it. hopefully i'll be blogging more seeing as it's nice to vent to everyone & no one.
i've been struggling a lot lately with everything. friends, family, school, maintaining a social life, sleep deprivation. & you know, that special person. or whatever. you know, the usual things a teenager goes through.
so about the FRIENDS slice of my life pie. like this [retarded lmfao] video that my bestfriend angel showed me, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkdUgVcV7w], i'm not here for convenient friendships. if you want me in your life, i'ma stay. but stop wondering in & out of my life for when it's convenient for you. i get tired of having to constantly see you disappear in & out of my life. i'm not here for that. i'm here cus i care for you & cus i actually try to be a good friend. i know sometimes it may not seem like it, but i do try. i know it may not look like i'm putting in effort, oh but i am. it's juss difficult for me to go be "amazing" when i'm under so much stress it feels like i can barely breathe. so give a chick a break could ya? friends come & go. real ones stick through thick & thin. no matter how bad the situation. no matter how bad they've gotten themselves in a tangle, if you really were a friend & you really cared for this person, you stick by their side like superglue. yes, you get frustrated. yes, sometimes you want to kill that person. but you have to also think, if they were real friends, wouldn't they do the same for you if you suddenly hit rock bottom? thick & thin. i know it sounds cliche. but it's damn true to the core.
now when it comes to FAMILY, i love them. yes i really do. well it depends. me loving you doesn't have to be mandatory love. you gotta earn my love & juss cus you're family doesn't mean that i'm gonna automatically love you. you show me respect, trust, honesty. that's when i show love back. cus that means you earn it. being honest & showing respect isn't that hard. which basically means, stop talking shit about me right in front of my face. or behind my back & let me find out later. that's straight up disrespectful towards your bloodline. did your mother NOT teach you manners?
as for SCHOOL, things have gotten a little out of hand. now i haven't seen my report card even though everyone has seemed to received theirs, i think i've failed a couple classes. i'm not sure.. but yeah. plus i'm taking summer school original credit to get ahead. maybe have off campus my senior year? lol. or maybe take that dual credit stuff for college credit cus i wanna get as many college credits i can out of the way. or at least have off campus so i can rest my senior year & be lazy & sleep in & all that good stuff. lol. but honestly.. i'm not sure if i wanna take this original credit stuff next year. :/ it's a real drag on my summer. i mean they EXTENDED the damn original credit shit. we're stuck there till july 13th?! really?! man chavez, i DO have a life [kinda].
some GOALS i have this summer. i really want to get my id, get a job, learn how to drive. all that crap you learn when you're 16 ya know? i mean if i could get a job around my area, that would help my family out greatly. plus it'd benefit me cus i like stuff. & stuff costs money lol. learn how to drive this summer at least decently cus i want to drive to school this upcoming school year. i wanna be independent. do things on my own. i don't like asking & depending on other people for things that i could provide for myself. i also want to hit a 2000 mark in my itunes. i miss my old songs, i really do. :/ so i want them all back! another goal of SUMMER '10, is to go to the vans warped tour. :) i'm excited! i'm ordering tickets this week with my bestiee angel & hopefully i'll have fun & take lots of dumb pics.
now juss a random section of my thoughts of the "influence." if you're straight edge & you don't do that, then good. you keep doing you & don't let nobody stop you from what you're doing. if you do do things under the influence, then well i don't blame you. it's an amazing escape & release. then again, many people do run to those substances for escape. some do it cus they like it. some do it cus they're addicted [& are juss in denial & won't admit it]. some do it cus who knows. we all have our own reasons. i juss want to say, don't judge. it's not you, it's not your health, it's not your body, it's not your actions. so don't worry about what they do. let them do what they do.
well that's all i can think of for now my fans & non fans & people who are reading this juss for the fuck of it. hopefully i'll be blogging more seeing as it's nice to vent to everyone & no one.
-jenn-tacular;
"We all in the race, I'm just another sprinter. If there's no finish line, then who's the real winner?"
-Lil Wayne
Saturday, May 15, 2010
People Change. [051510]
slightly slippin' back into depression.
my oh my, have things gone wrong.
i know the things i've done lately haven't been the wisest decisions, nor have they been right. but they weren't wrong. maybe it was wrong in your eyes, i'm not sure.
but you know, what happened to the whole cliche "true friends" things?
if you were my true friend, you'd accept the fact that i did it right?
i get that you're upset. disappointed.
but there was no need to say all the things you said.
you could've said it better.
you really could've.
but it's your decision.
i know that i haven't been lately the girl that everyone knew.
but people change right?
i mean change happens. everyday.
so i don't see why i'm such a different case?
aren't i juss another person who has changed as well?
i accepted your change, why not accept mine?
i go through with all the things you went through, why couldn't you go through with mine?
i don't mean to sound like a bitch.
i know i'm not straight lately.
maybe it's a phase, maybe not.
i don't know.
how am i s'posed to know?
am i losing you too?
i don't wanna lose anyone anymore.
but you know what? if you wanna walk out, do so.
i'm not gonna beg for you to come back, cus i can't stop you.
i don't control what you do.
i'm tired of arguing. what's going on? why have i become the person i am?
a fucked up child.
disgusted with myself.
i'm such a fuck up.
my oh my, have things gone wrong.
i know the things i've done lately haven't been the wisest decisions, nor have they been right. but they weren't wrong. maybe it was wrong in your eyes, i'm not sure.
but you know, what happened to the whole cliche "true friends" things?
if you were my true friend, you'd accept the fact that i did it right?
i get that you're upset. disappointed.
but there was no need to say all the things you said.
you could've said it better.
you really could've.
but it's your decision.
i know that i haven't been lately the girl that everyone knew.
but people change right?
i mean change happens. everyday.
so i don't see why i'm such a different case?
aren't i juss another person who has changed as well?
i accepted your change, why not accept mine?
i go through with all the things you went through, why couldn't you go through with mine?
i don't mean to sound like a bitch.
i know i'm not straight lately.
maybe it's a phase, maybe not.
i don't know.
how am i s'posed to know?
am i losing you too?
i don't wanna lose anyone anymore.
but you know what? if you wanna walk out, do so.
i'm not gonna beg for you to come back, cus i can't stop you.
i don't control what you do.
i'm tired of arguing. what's going on? why have i become the person i am?
a fucked up child.
disgusted with myself.
i'm such a fuck up.
"Wait, they don't love you like I love you."
-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
