Baby, Baby, I Can't Sleep. [070510]

well first of all, it's like what? 1:19 in the A.M. can't seem to sleep. maybe i got insomnia tonight. gotta send a little shoutout, happy birthday to nancy. :] she turns 17 today!

so july 2nd, i got to experience the vans warped tour.. in the mothafuckin' damn rain. lol. like really!? it HAD to rain?! i lost my shirt, i got a deal on a shirt, they were tryna give me a deal on a pipe & a weed flag at the marijuana tent, i met people, i was in a mosh pitt i didn't wanna be in, i met some badass people at the nevershoutnever performance & i crowd surfed! there's probably more to warped tour but right now, i can't seem to think of anything. plus that was warped tour for me in a nutshell. it was absolutely an amazing experience. i definitely wanna go next year. it was so much fun. you guys should go too! well if you're into bands but of course. haha.

here's the list of the bands that i saw:
a tiny bit of alesena.
attackattack!
breathe carolina.
emmure.
enter shikari.
a bit of four year strong.
hey monday.
hollywood heartthrob.
nevershoutnever.
sum 41.
the all american rejects.
we the kings.

all in all, warped tour was fucking insanely amazing. even with the damn rain.

so for july 4th, i went to go see fireworks in almeda. it wasn't much, juss plain damn torture with 4 little kids. :/ i don't really like little kids. they get on my damn nerves. didn't get to spend time with gina. but heyy, the fireworks were pretty. i guess that's all that counts eh?

but this weekend i can pretty much say.. i've had too much shit on my mind. too much to think about. thinking too hard. my migraines have come back. :/ goddamn it.. there are juss some things that aren't meant to be huh? or things juss don't work in people's favors sometimes. i guess it's life tryna put a huge sign in their faces saying "WASTE OF TIME." so i definitely juss might be.. wasting my time.

-jenn-tacular;

"I keep, I keep thinking of you."

-Lil Wayne

It's The First Day Of Summer. [062110]

there's not much to say.. not much has happened actually. well a lot has happened, lol. it's life. rollercoaster ride is juss an understatement of what life is. i don't know how i'm still holding on cus i'm terrified of rollercoasters. [no really i am!] but i juss hope the thrill & adrenaline is worth it.

i've been struggling a lot lately with everything. friends, family, school, maintaining a social life, sleep deprivation. & you know, that special person. or whatever. you know, the usual things a teenager goes through.

so about the FRIENDS slice of my life pie. like this [retarded lmfao] video that my bestfriend angel showed me, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkdUgVcV7w], i'm not here for convenient friendships. if you want me in your life, i'ma stay. but stop wondering in & out of my life for when it's convenient for you. i get tired of having to constantly see you disappear in & out of my life. i'm not here for that. i'm here cus i care for you & cus i actually try to be a good friend. i know sometimes it may not seem like it, but i do try. i know it may not look like i'm putting in effort, oh but i am. it's juss difficult for me to go be "amazing" when i'm under so much stress it feels like i can barely breathe. so give a chick a break could ya? friends come & go. real ones stick through thick & thin. no matter how bad the situation. no matter how bad they've gotten themselves in a tangle, if you really were a friend & you really cared for this person, you stick by their side like superglue. yes, you get frustrated. yes, sometimes you want to kill that person. but you have to also think, if they were real friends, wouldn't they do the same for you if you suddenly hit rock bottom? thick & thin. i know it sounds cliche. but it's damn true to the core.

now when it comes to FAMILY, i love them. yes i really do. well it depends. me loving you doesn't have to be mandatory love. you gotta earn my love & juss cus you're family doesn't mean that i'm gonna automatically love you. you show me respect, trust, honesty. that's when i show love back. cus that means you earn it. being honest & showing respect isn't that hard. which basically means, stop talking shit about me right in front of my face. or behind my back & let me find out later. that's straight up disrespectful towards your bloodline. did your mother NOT teach you manners?

as for SCHOOL, things have gotten a little out of hand. now i haven't seen my report card even though everyone has seemed to received theirs, i think i've failed a couple classes. i'm not sure.. but yeah. plus i'm taking summer school original credit to get ahead. maybe have off campus my senior year? lol. or maybe take that dual credit stuff for college credit cus i wanna get as many college credits i can out of the way. or at least have off campus so i can rest my senior year & be lazy & sleep in & all that good stuff. lol. but honestly.. i'm not sure if i wanna take this original credit stuff next year. :/ it's a real drag on my summer. i mean they EXTENDED the damn original credit shit. we're stuck there till july 13th?! really?! man chavez, i DO have a life [kinda].

some GOALS i have this summer. i really want to get my id, get a job, learn how to drive. all that crap you learn when you're 16 ya know? i mean if i could get a job around my area, that would help my family out greatly. plus it'd benefit me cus i like stuff. & stuff costs money lol. learn how to drive this summer at least decently cus i want to drive to school this upcoming school year. i wanna be independent. do things on my own. i don't like asking & depending on other people for things that i could provide for myself. i also want to hit a 2000 mark in my itunes. i miss my old songs, i really do. :/ so i want them all back! another goal of SUMMER '10, is to go to the vans warped tour. :) i'm excited! i'm ordering tickets this week with my bestiee angel & hopefully i'll have fun & take lots of dumb pics.

now juss a random section of my thoughts of the "influence." if you're straight edge & you don't do that, then good. you keep doing you & don't let nobody stop you from what you're doing. if you do do things under the influence, then well i don't blame you. it's an amazing escape & release. then again, many people do run to those substances for escape. some do it cus they like it. some do it cus they're addicted [& are juss in denial & won't admit it]. some do it cus who knows. we all have our own reasons. i juss want to say, don't judge. it's not you, it's not your health, it's not your body, it's not your actions. so don't worry about what they do. let them do what they do.

well that's all i can think of for now my fans & non fans & people who are reading this juss for the fuck of it. hopefully i'll be blogging more seeing as it's nice to vent to everyone & no one.

-jenn-tacular;

"We all in the race, I'm just another sprinter. If there's no finish line, then who's the real winner?"

-Lil Wayne

People Change. [051510]

slightly slippin' back into depression.
my oh my, have things gone wrong.
i know the things i've done lately haven't been the wisest decisions, nor have they been right. but they weren't wrong. maybe it was wrong in your eyes, i'm not sure.
but you know, what happened to the whole cliche "true friends" things?
if you were my true friend, you'd accept the fact that i did it right?
i get that you're upset. disappointed.
but there was no need to say all the things you said.
you could've said it better.
you really could've.
but it's your decision.
i know that i haven't been lately the girl that everyone knew.
but people change right?
i mean change happens. everyday.
so i don't see why i'm such a different case?
aren't i juss another person who has changed as well?
i accepted your change, why not accept mine?
i go through with all the things you went through, why couldn't you go through with mine?
i don't mean to sound like a bitch.
i know i'm not straight lately.
maybe it's a phase, maybe not.
i don't know.
how am i s'posed to know?
am i losing you too?
i don't wanna lose anyone anymore.
but you know what? if you wanna walk out, do so.
i'm not gonna beg for you to come back, cus i can't stop you.
i don't control what you do.

i'm tired of arguing. what's going on? why have i become the person i am?
a fucked up child.
disgusted with myself.
i'm such a fuck up.

"Wait, they don't love you like I love you."

-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Can't Process. [042710]

i can't process shit that's happening.
wtf is happening to me?
my mind's gone.
so is everything else.
i can't do shit about this situation anymore.
all i ever do is argue & cry & argue & cry & argue some more.
when the fuck am i gonna learn from shit that's s'posed to help me?
so yeah i did shit that wasn't right.
but they weren't wrong.
when the fuck am i gonna be able to say fuck it all?
when am i gonna GROW THE FUCK UP!?

-jenn-tacular;

"All the crazy shit I did tonight, those will be the best memories."

-Kid Cudi

Juss Writing. [032710]

i won't list names. but they should know who they are.
if i put a blank in this is cus i don't want their business all out there.
you guys understand right?

i wrote this on march 25th. in the shower.

remember how we used to be?
together happily when you started talking in january.
you were like drake, saying i was the best you ever had.
said everyday without me was always bad.
you said i love you, was this real?
did you really feel the way i feel?
then you went out with her, the first time you hurt me.
cried so much told myself it wasn't meant to be.
stopped talking, didn't wanna hear from you.
cus you were so happy with her, what could i do?
then you guys break up, you come running back.
can't believe you reeled me back in, juss like that.
finally went out in the month of july.
but i felt things go downhill, then 2 weeks flew by.
said you couldn't do it, hoped i understand.
i said i wouldn't cry, but you weren't my man.
it didn't hurt as much that time, i expected it really.
like i said, we weren't meant to be together clearly.
2 weeks after, a new girl again.
what could i say? to you she was a perfect 10.
you guys ended, came running back once more.
then again i felt my heart tore.
but a month or so later, a new girl, another.
________ was her name, a pretty face like no other.
i told you she wasn't your type but who was i to judge?
ehh, maybe it ws cus i still held a grudge.
recently you guys broke up, it didn't work out.
am i juss a rebound? apparently that's what it was about.
you said you forgot what love was.
but said i could remind you cus.
in your heart i was your unofficial girl outta all the girls.
always had a smile that shined brighter than pearls.
you even thought of having kids.
thought we'd last forever, at least i thought we did.
but how can i keep up when all i do is suffer.
i know pretty soon you're gonna find another "lover."
i guess it's the distance that's keeping us from us.
cus of you i can't love, all i do is lust.
i always think back to the night of march 23rd.
i poured out my feelings & you heard.
what i said but it didn't sink into your head.
at least it didn't seem like it, maybe it did.
i hate how you act like nothing happened.
you were always in demand, always the captain.
i'd listen cus you had me sprung like t-pain.
but everything that's happened has happened in vain.
but today's the 25th of mach, morning of the 26th, 2010.
if you asked i wouldn't start over again.
cus i'm not putting up with the tears & heartache.
i don't wanna keep smiling smiles of the fake.
cus i'm still wounded to this day.
everything juss went the wrong way.

-jenn-tacular;

"Have you ever wondered, why I always keep coming back for more?"

-ATB

Caught In A Bad Romance. [031510]

i'm not even in a romance. or at least not that i know of.

i'm gettin' so tired of people all over my case cus of some that happened in the past. i mean we live in the present, why is there a need to shove things from the past in people's faces? especially when you know that that shit has hurt them. i mean you should juss drop the subject. why bring it up if they aren't good memories?

all i can say is that, please don't shove things from the past in my face if you know that it displeases me. i mean why? what's the point? to piss me off? i know pissin' me off is fun but juss chill people. it's nothing to bring up. it's not a topic to talk about.

these guys are all over my case cus of some that happened. i didn't even mean for it to happen. it juss happened. if i could, i'd take it all back, but apparently i can't. oh well. hop off my pussy.

also, i'm so tired of being such a good person. what have i gotten in return? besides the ice cream. why can't people show me any decency back?

-jenn-tacular;

"Baby you gave up, you gave up."

-Lady Gaga

Maybe It's Nothing At All. [030510]

i'm so tired of acceptin' things that really bother me. i mean if it bothers me that much i should juss speak up right? but noo, i don't wanna be lectured at. i wanna avoid fights & whatnot. it's not my fault really. but what can i do? wouldn't you wanna avoid stuff like that too? avoidin' all the fights & drama. all the emotions fightin' at each other. & the time wasted basically. & then this drake song got me thinking. man, can whatever i have with any guy be SOMETHING? at all? or is it all nothing? cus i'm so tired of being left here lonely & abandoned. my heart is in deep hurt, wound too deep to heal. can't do anythin' about that either. it's always gonna be there to stare & laugh at me. remind me how foolish i've been. how blind i've been. how naive i was to believe it all.

-jenn-tacular;

"This could be something."

-Drake