goodbye, old blog.

you have now retired.

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Runaway/Loneliness. [102410]

vulnerable (adjective) capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.
lonely (adjective) affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

after watching kanye west's runaway video, i absolutely fell in love with him over again. the video was so artistically beautiful. i got goosebumps, my spine tingled, my eyes cried from the beauty. my heart was touched. i haven't seen something so phenomenal in years. the video absolutely stole my heart.
"baby i got a plan, runaway as fast as you can." -kanye west.

why am i so lonely? is it the vulnerability that affects me so? my heart bleeds and pumps tears of pain knowing that i can't be yours, since you have a new girl. it's always been like this.. why couldn't i have been your "perfect girl?" why couldn't it have been me? i know we said if it was meant to be, it would happen. but can i really wait that long? i always thought we'd be like the movies. you know, fall in love & grow old together & live happily ever after.. but we all know lovesick fairy tales are juss imaginary stories. i wish i could believe in our make believe but it couldn't last.. too many obstacles that we couldn't jump over together. maybe we were juss unwilling to make a difference. i don't know what it is. but i always tend to be REJECTED.. indirectly & directly. you know me oh so well but you can't see that it hurts to know that you do & i can't even talk to you the same way i used to anymore.. past is past yeah, but that doesn't mean it can flood you with the amazing memories you once had..

i feel like sometimes i'm juss too independent, making me vulnerable to guys who have potential to have something with me.. maybe i juss want a guy who would complete that empty void where you should be.. but what can i do?
"waiting on you for so long, too many days since january.." -drake.

-jenn-tacular;

"runaway from it baby."

-kanye west 

Sometimes. [100210]

you know, sometimes, i can't believe i ever liked you. sometimes, i can't believe that you made me fall for your stupid ways. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you actually cared about me. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you actually FELT the same way about me. sometimes, i can't believe i thought you even had EMOTIONS. sometimes, i can't believe to think that we might've had something.

sometimes, i can't believe i put effort into nothing when i thought deep down i was putting effort into something. absolutely blinded.. or maybe juss selective on what i want to feel & see & believe. selective on certain parts of the truth. selective on things about you. all i saw were the "good" things. when clearly the cons overshadowed your pros. i should've been more careful, listened to what they said. but no, i'm a stubborn child & refuse to let any of that be the reason of what i do. i needed to experience the pain & hurt myself, the ones that i'm gonna feel many times in the future. even though that shouldn't happen.

sometimes, i can't believe any guy would ever want to talk to me. i'm juss jenny. a 16 year old girl with a wild mind of her own. i'm not the prettiest crayon in the 64 pack with the cool sharpener.. but i'm more reliable & i guarantee you that i got charisma & personality. but whatever makes you choose her over me is up to you. sometimes, i can't have everything i want. it kinda sucks, but that's how life is.

sometimes, i still think about you.
sometimes, i wish you'd get out of my mind so i can think peacefully.
sometimes, i want to cry & ask why did you do that to me.

sometimes, that isn't enough.

-jenn-tacular;

"Cus you're the cigarette. & I'm the smoker."

-Miguel Jontel

Onto The Next One. [093010]

"i'm so confused, i don't know what to do.
but i gotta be a woman, gotta get over you." -mya.

she couldn't say it any better.. love at such a young age is absolutely something that shouldn't be tampered with. it scars you for life cus you're so delicate & fragile. i think i juss need time to get back what's mine & by that i mean my effort & feelings, you know, those nonrenewable resources. love's like glass, beautiful if seen in the right angle. fragile if you drop it, might end up breaking. fixable yes, but never the same.

i really don't know what to say.. i hate getting played. it's one of those things in life though that you have to experience. after this situation, all i can say is "onto the next one." what else can i do? what else is life gonna allow me to do? i'm not gonna mope around & waste my time for some guy who isn't even gonna appreciate the tears that fall down from my eyes. i need to stop trying to be like society & stop being "co-dependent." i need to be independent & depend on no one but myself. i gotta stop looking for this so called love.. maybe i'm in love with the idea of being in love.

-jenn-tacular;

"They told me never fall in love it never works out in your favor. You're way too young & that's juss human nature."

-Mac Miller

Another Day, Another Birthday. [090510]

so today my brother turned 7. i hadn't gotten that pissed in a long ass time! but let's not talk about my day yeah? it'll juss make me mad. like you know. when you get so mad you cry? yeah.

lately i've been trying to sort out my emotions & feelings for someone.. it's hard to think that you can't have everything you want & it's hard to think that you can't control your emotions. imagine if you could, someone likes you, you don't like em but you COULD like em & then bam. you guys like each other. happily ever after, the end. how beautiful right? but sadly, reality doesn't work that way.. like i say, "the mind doesn't control the emotions of the heart, for the emotions of the heart are uncontrollable." it's true right? you can't THINK you love someone, you either do or you don't.. that's the way i see it.

you know what else sucks? not being able to see the person you like as often as you'd want to.. it's like, you guys are both busy. fuck, who knows if the other person is even interested? ugh. so many thoughts going on right now.

"Give my love to no one else."

-Wale

Back To School. [082310]

today was the back to school day.. i'm currently a JUNIOR now! i can't believe it myself ya know? it seems like it's been so much shorter. i can remember when i was a freshman & i was totally lost. lol! but all in besides that..

a lot of things have been on my mind lately. i don't know how to sort out my priorities right now.. i don't know if the feelings i feel right now are based off of lust or if i actually like the person for who they are.. i hope it's the second one, i really do. i hate how when guys upset me i try to find comfort in other guys. i shouldn't be doing that in the first place cus if i find comfort in other guys i'll juss be more confused about my feelings cus i'll be vulnerable if i open up right? vulnerability in this state of emotions is not good for anything to be happening. i need to sort out my head, emotions & priorities before i can move on to anything else.

-jenn-tacular;

"What if I kissed you right now? Would it bring us any closer?"

-Drake

Juss Some Thoughts. [081510]

obviously you're on my mind & it juss seems harder & harder to get you out.. i don't want to sound like one of those girls who juss be chasin' you cus i'm sure you got plenty. but what can i say? there's juss something about you that i'm naturally attracted to & i juss can't get enough.. there's juss something about you that i want more of & i know it may sound a bit scary.. but no one has ever controlled the emotions & feelings the heart controls. they have lied to themselves believing that they could but we all know deep down that they're being scared of their own emotions & feelings. they blame upon the emotions & feelings they witness as to their actions. i personally believe that what feelings we witness are a state of mind..

that is all.

-jenn-tacular;

"I got that better love, that no one better love, that hit it and gone tomorrow but this forever love."

-Wale